Insignificance.

Is there anything worse than knowing that you are one of six billion people on this planet? I suppose next year, when it's seven billion, of course.

The one thing, the universal, that everyone wants, is to be significant. We live in a world where we are increasingly aware of our personal insignificance at every turn. To remain sane is to acknowledge it and accept it, but even hyper-individualistic Americans know this: none of us really matters all that much. The Donald Trumps, the Dubyas, the stupid-ass celebrities, the mundane-ass neighbors, our friends, our enemies, our families, our heroes...it all has its place, and its meaning, but sometime's it's just a lot of noise.

That's how it is to me lately, anyway.

Overlaying all this is this feeling of personal success coupled with a complete lack of caring. I'm doing fine. I don't really give a shit. It's probably why I'm doing fine, because when I do give a shit, I generally tend to fuck up in seriously major ways. This holds true with jobs (especially jobs) relationships (especially those, too), family (just put "especially" in front of everything I list, okay?), friends, money, and personal possessions, even.

So lately I'm insomniac as all hell, mainly when I'm in Wilkesboro. I lie in my bed in my hotel room in the Hampton Inn or the Holiday Inn Express and I can't shut down, even though I'm so tired I have circles under my eyes. I sleep for maybe three or four hours, and exist during the day purely by the good graces of caffeine. I return to DC on the weekends, and I just crash. Fridays I usually sleep until noon. Things seem brighter when I wake up, and the world is normal. I feel coherent, and I know that the feeling will only last until Sunday evening, when I leave again.

Christ, it's only been two months since I started this. And I'm actually happy with the work and the coworkers and the projects! I don't want it to end. I want it to be easier.

So here I am. Feeling rather insignificant, and kind of irritable, and also very very sleep-deprived, and thus kind of delirious.

Something's gotta give, right?